I’m living it right now. Everything that can go wrong this season will. And don’t tell me that I need to be positive. Positive thinking my ass. Every time I think positive and plan and do everything I possibly can to make things run smoothly, the bottom falls out.
Every single damn time.
I already hate my job because of the schedule and workload. Now everybody is backing out. At the last minute. No one can commit. NO ONE. The only solution at this point is to clone myself. Which I clearly can’t do. And no matter how hard my boss tries, sheer force of will is not enough to solve this.
Don’t tell me to not panic. Don’t tell me to calm down. I can’t create something out of nothing.
I’m setting boundaries with work and doing my best to leave work at work. I make a point to think about things other that work. I’m trying to save my sanity.
But I am dreading work. DREADING IT. I don’t want to go to bed because it will make the next day come faster. It’s all that I can think about and all I can talk about. My poor friends.
I’m trying to process all this the best I can. I’m trying to let go of as much stress as I can. But it’s not enough. It’s seeping into everything and I just want to curl up into a ball and do nothing. I sat through band practice tonight waiting for it to be over. I realized at about 8pm I hadn’t eaten all day. All I want to do is watch tv and zone out.
And now, not only am I trying to solve 54637 crises at work and somehow still attempting to have a life, but I’m fighting like hell to not fall back into bad habits…namely cutting, though we can throw a few more in there for fun.
And yet, not matter how much I complain and rationally explain why I want to leave this field, there are some significant people in my life that think I would be even more unhappy if I leave the field. They think I need to stay in my field to have a good life. They know I’m not happy now, they know I’m overworked, and yet they think if I take a vacation and hold out for a minuscule pay raise it will all be ok. IT WILL NOT BE OK.
Let’s say it again for the people in the back.
IT WILL NOT BE OK.
This isn’t anything like the life I want to live. I’m 30 years old with two degrees and I’m working 50-60 hours a week on a salary that I can barely afford to live on with no overtime while trying to do 5 full time positions within one job.
I don’t think I’m entitled to a certain salary because I have a masters, but I’d like to be able to buy a cup of tea and a cookie at a coffee shop and not feel guilty that I’m spending more than I should.
I’m angry, really angry. But I’m not hopeless. I guess that means the drugs and therapy are working, which is like the one positive out of all of this.
But seriously, this needs to stop.