Today, I meet my new therapist. This will be the tenth psychiatrist/therapist I’ve gone through. Tenth. And out of those ten, TWO have believed me.
The other eight….some misdiagnosed me, a few (ironically the ones with the PhD’s) told me I wasn’t sick, and another couple told me I didn’t want to get better. I’ve also been told I need to pray more. That therapist didn’t know what to do with me and broke up with me over text. Real professional. I’ve been told that I was manipulative and had BPD, but she didn’t want to diagnose me with that because she believed I could change. I’ve been told I have an eating disorder because I have a tendency to not eat when I’m depressed. I saw another therapist temporarily when mine was out for surgery. She told me that I didn’t strike her as an anxious person. My therapist laughed at that one.
Needless to say, I’m a little gun shy about these new people. All they know about me is whats on my intake. Which, if I’m being honest, I fibbed a wee bit because I didn’t know the lady interviewing me. You try spilling your guts to someone you just met about things that you weren’t even able to tell your (awesome) therapist you saw for two years.
They can’t deny that I have depression this time around, I have just about every symptom and its bad. But I’m worried that my functional self who can’t identify hypomania/mania will lead them to say I don’t have bipolar. Or that I don’t experience psychosis because I’ve never had a dramatic psychotic break. As much as I hate that I have it, someone saying I don’t would do more damage than not. When I spoke to my old therapist the last time , she told me to tell them to call her if they denied that I had bipolar.
But I have to remind myself. I know myself much better now, and can articulate what I go through reasonably well. My past isn’t as fuzzy to me as it used to be, and I have two months worth of info of my symptoms. I’m in control of the situation, and if I think this person is an idiot, I can ask for a new one. If it really is that bad, I can text my old therapist and go “that sucked, what should I do?” She already told me that she would help me navigate the system if I needed her to.
It will be OK.