Fear

I have an interview for an out-of-state job on Thursday. The job seems pretty awesome.

And, quite frankly, I’m terrified. My anxiety is kicking my butt.  Ever since I applied for this job month ago, things got difficult for me because of all of the unknowns.

But really, I’m scared because I don’t know if I can make it on my own. I’m scared because my motivation left over a year ago and I still don’t have it back. I’m scared because I don’t have any confidence in myself anymore.

I have two options at this point.  Give up or fake it till I convince myself I can do this.

I choose fake it.

 

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Here we go again….

I should be tired and exhausted.  I haven’t slept through the night for the past 4 nights.  I wake up after a couple hours wide awake.  Eventually I drift off again, but I’m up again after an hour. Normally when this happens I’m not functional the next day.

Not this time. I have energy.  I’m not tired.  I want to do things but I freeze because I don’t know what to do first. I’m upset and frustrated and excited and a million conflicting things. If you would ask me how I am the best I could muster up would be a resounding “I don’t know”

And I’m pissed. Because I know exactly what this means.  My stability is gone.  And lets be real, its been gone for a week. I’ve had brain fog and the inability to concentrate.  A couple days I wanted to randomly burst into tears.  Some days I don’t want to do anything, other days I want to do everything.  Some days I have all the confidence in the world, others I want to hide under a rock.

You get the picture.

Like always, though, its quiet. The medication make it gentle.  (OK, gentle is the wrong word.  Subtle? Non-violent? Easier to hide?) You would only know if I told you or if you happened to catch me when I thought no one was looking. I can still function, quite well actually. It doesn’t make it any better though.

I just want this to stop.

 

 

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Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

I know we don’t talk much anymore, but I need you now.  You see, I’m not doing well.  I’m coping by not coping. I’m reverting back to bad habits. I’m not sleeping. I’m not concentrating.

But you don’t need to know all of that.

You just need to know that I’m not doing well and could use a friend.

Your wondering what you could possibly do.  Or what you could possibly say. Here I’ll tell you.

Say “I’m sorry your struggling” and give me a hug.  And be OK if I start to cry. Offer to just be with me.  Make dinner with me or offer to do my laundry with me.  I know that sounds dumb, but that giant pile of laundry is just sitting there being overwhelming and reminding me that I can’t get my act together. I need help doing things I can’t do myself. I don’t need them done for me, just help with them.

You don’t have to talk about it.  You don’t have to come up with ways I could cope. You don’t have to understand my diagnosis. I have a therapist for that. I need a friend. I need some time where I’m not alone and I don’t have to pretend everything is alright.

That’s all.

So please, if you can, be that friend. It’s OK if you don’t understand or know quite what to say. Just be there.

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Coping skills for the win

The past couple days have been rough.  Symptoms keeping popping up and its a struggle.

One thing I have noticed though, is that I’m using coping skills. And its working.

Fancy that.

I don’t feel fantastic but I’m also not curled up in a ball losing my shit.  So I call that a win.

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When you feel crappy for reasons other than bipolar

I have a lot of thoughts floating around and I started a random list to collect it all and get it out. As I was writing that list two things came up. I realized that they are the only two things that really mattered on it.

  1. I’m really unhappy where I’m at right now.  My job. My life. I want something different.
  2. The bipolar is under control (knock on wood).  Everything I’m feeling is just feelings, not some weird ass bipolar symptom.

And despite the fact that I’m not content with my life right now, its a relief.  This is something concrete that normal, healthy people deal with.  This is something that has a resolution and if I work hard enough I can change it.  I can choose to be positive and actually see it reflect in my life.

Mind Blown.

 

 

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Anxiety is weird

Two things:

  1. I’m attempting to get a new job two states away. It would be AWESOME.
  2. I’m anxious…that horrible gut wrenching kind where it feels like the world is ending.

One would think these two things were related.  But they aren’t, not really.  I’m not anxious about the job or starting out someplace new or anything like that.

I’m anxious about getting my damn couch out of my apartment.

You see, my couch is 92 inches.  The ceiling is 90. When the furniture guys brought it in I thought it was going to be permanently stuck in the doorway.  And apparently my brain thinks, that out of everything else that is going on in my life, that this damn couch has to make me panic.

Anxiety is weird.

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When you get really, really, really excited…

…over a job opening.

Seriously guys.  I’ve been casually searching for another job for months.  I’ve found things that would “work” but nothing I’d be excited about.  And, quite frankly, nothing about my job makes me excited right now.

But then….I get this e-mail from my professor in grad school. She might as well put “This Job Is For You” in the subject line. I’m excited and passionate about what the job entails, and wiling to take on the parts that I don’t know how to do. The ONLY thing that makes me hesitant is that its 6 hours away. But its in a city I’ve been to before and I liked. Its in the city my professor used to work in, so she would be able to connect me with people.

In the back of my head I have my mom going “Are you sure?!?!?”, my therapist going “Why are you waiting?”, and my current boss going, “But you said you wouldn’t leave this job so soon.”  But I have financial reasons, so that is enough to shut the last one up.

So yeah, I don’t know if I’ll actually apply or not.  But in the mean time I’ll let myself be excited for it.  I haven’t been excited about anything in a while.

 

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Backhanded Compliment

There are very few times that I’m grateful for the particular flavor of bipolar that I have.

This is one of those times.

For the past few weeks I’ve been depressed.  Like not get out of bed, let the laundry pile up, and only showering when absolutely necessary depressed.

And then, Sunday night, somebody flipped a switch and I was fine.  I’m still fine.I have motivation at work.  I’m thinking about my future. This isn’t the I can do anything I want hypomania, this is me.  I’ve got a break from the bipolar. I can get things done.

Hence the being grateful.

But even as I write this, I know that the switch can flip back in a heartbeat. And now that I think about it, this switch-flipping hasn’t happened in a long time.  Not that I haven’t had periods of feeling OK, because I have.  But it hasn’t been this sudden.

Despite me being grateful that I’ve got a break, it probably means something isn’t working as it should. Kinda like a backhanded compliment.

*sigh*

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Damn promises.

I should be getting ready for church right now. But I’m not.  I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to get out of it.  I’m supposed to be in choir.  I’m supposed to be going to this breakfast there this morning.

But I don’t want to.  Why not?

Because I’m depressed and don’t want to have to pretend I’m OK this morning.  Because I want to crawl into a hole and hide.  I want to sit and feel sorry for myself and work on my blanket. (And wanting to work on my blanket is probably the only positive thing I’ve got going for me right now).

Really, I don’t want to go to this breakfast.  I hate going to “breakfasts” “lunches” and “dinners” with people I barely know.  I hate small talk and talking about my job.  And someone inevitably comments on my eating habits and my weight. Why do old people insist on doing that and think its OK? It’s not.  I don’t care how much of a compliment you think it is.  It’s not OK.

But I’ll go, because I said I’ll be there. My therapist has been trying to get me to go out and do things. This qualifies as a “thing” and she made me promise that the next time someone asked me to do something to say yes no matter what (unless its something like robbing a bank, obviously). I need to get over my 1001 excuses, suck it up, and just go.

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This is going to be quick..I need to get ready for work. I need to get this down so I don’t forget.

I have both feet planted firmly in depression.  That is obvious, even to me.  But we have a problem here, other than the depression.

Symptoms I haven’t seen in almost a year are coming back. I noticed a couple days ago that I feel like maybe things aren’t as bad as they are, maybe I’m….shall we say….embellishing…. a bit for dramatic effect. And then yesterday, I noticed the one that I think is the most terrifying because it destroys more than just me. The feeling that my mom doesn’t like me, in spite of every single thing in my life going against it.

It’s important to note that I’m saying feeling here, an not thoughts.  Thoughts I can fight, I can pull out my stubborn rationality and ignore the nonsense that my brain manufactures. But when that feeling returns, that’s different. The only thing I can think of to compare it too, is loving someone even though you recognize that all signs point to destructive relationships. I could be wrong.  Never been in that situation.

Feelings are a lot harder to ignore than thoughts.

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