That’s what my therapist wants me to do. She tells me about how she exercises even though it’s not her favorite thing and then feels fabulous.
She tells me I need a project. I already have one, I say. Apparently I need to get another one.
She tells me all these anecdotes about herself. How if she stays up late she’s tired and she’s exhausted after a bad week at work, and isn’t that how I feel? Um. No.
She tells me that I just have to adjust to having mood swings. I’m trying. I can’t just pull myself up by my bootstraps.
She tells me that my brain fog is chronic (duh) and that I should just start projects earlier and I’ll be fine.
She tells me that I should look for a job outside my field, and dismisses me when I tell her I wouldn’t be happy and I want to do what I’ve been working towards the last 10 years.
She tells me all these things in a half hour then ushers me out the door.
And at the end of the day I’m left alone with my thoughts. Wasn’t I clear? I’m having problems with depression. If I could just try a little harder and be able to cope, why the hell am I spending $50 an hour?
I don’t know how else to describe the disjointed thoughts in my head-that mental block I get or being stuck in my head. I don’t know how else to explain that I’m struggling-that I have this sense of hopelessness following me around.
It’s like I’m not trying hard enough. If I check off all the boxes on a to-do list and then just suck it up, I’ll be fine.
I miss my old therapist. And I’m wary of this new one.
But I have to wonder.
Is she right?