Now that I’ve calmed down after the intensity of rapidly changing to psychiatrists and therapists who somewhat challenged what I believed about my mental health, something weird has happened.
I feel OK. I don’t see myself as “sick.” I’m not trying to hold onto the bipolar diagnosis, and I’m brushing off the speculation (because that is all it is) that I have schizoaffective disorder.
This new therapist only wants to see me once a month; she says that I’ve already got all the coping skills and am managing quite nicely. At first, I was upset because, well, that’s kind of a shock after coming from having to see a therapist every week. Now that I’m feeling better and more in control, I’m a little peeved that I may have been stuck in a holding pattern with my old therapist. Yes, she tremendously helped me, but was she (unintentionally) keeping me in a bad place? I don’t know. I’m still sorting that one out.
Regardless, I feel fine. I do have that feeling that I don’t have a mental illness creeping in, which is dangerous. I start to question whether my symptoms are really symptoms. Was I ever really sick in the first place? When I look back on my tracker, I see that I’ve only felt good for about a week, but it feels like forever. I’m trying to not get carried away with myself, and I’m hoping that this isn’t just part of another mood swing (which, because I’m doubting that they ever actually happened means it probably is).
Maybe this isn’t as new as I thought. Maybe I’ve been through this before, though I don’t remember doubting the bipolar diagnosis.
I just hope that this is the real thing, and that I really am OK.