I spent a lot of time last night thinking about the hospital since my therapist suggested it. I had lots of time to do that- skipping meds combined with the looming anxiety of what may happen kept me up last night.
Here’s what I came up with.
1. I have no desire to take meds. I wasn’t kidding when I told my therapist yesterday that I wasn’t sure I could take them.
2. Maybe I can’t take care of myself right now. Clearly I’m struggling to take my meds. I haven’t done the dishes for over a week, I couldn’t tell you the last time I did laundry. I haven’t been eating right for weeks, maybe a month. Showering has become an only when necessary thing.
3. I’m still making it to work, but I’m chalking that up too sheer stubborness at this point.
4. I’m done fighting. I’m just done. I don’t have the energy to expend to get my brain to cooperate at this point. Everything feels exhausting and the idea of simply not existing is appealing right now, to be honest.
If my therapist, after I talk to her today, still suggests the hospital…..
I might go.