I should be tired and exhausted. I haven’t slept through the night for the past 4 nights. I wake up after a couple hours wide awake. Eventually I drift off again, but I’m up again after an hour. Normally when this happens I’m not functional the next day.
Not this time. I have energy. I’m not tired. I want to do things but I freeze because I don’t know what to do first. I’m upset and frustrated and excited and a million conflicting things. If you would ask me how I am the best I could muster up would be a resounding “I don’t know”
And I’m pissed. Because I know exactly what this means. My stability is gone. And lets be real, its been gone for a week. I’ve had brain fog and the inability to concentrate. A couple days I wanted to randomly burst into tears. Some days I don’t want to do anything, other days I want to do everything. Some days I have all the confidence in the world, others I want to hide under a rock.
You get the picture.
Like always, though, its quiet. The medication make it gentle. (OK, gentle is the wrong word. Subtle? Non-violent? Easier to hide?) You would only know if I told you or if you happened to catch me when I thought no one was looking. I can still function, quite well actually. It doesn’t make it any better though.
I just want this to stop.