Here we go again….

I should be tired and exhausted.  I haven’t slept through the night for the past 4 nights.  I wake up after a couple hours wide awake.  Eventually I drift off again, but I’m up again after an hour. Normally when this happens I’m not functional the next day.

Not this time. I have energy.  I’m not tired.  I want to do things but I freeze because I don’t know what to do first. I’m upset and frustrated and excited and a million conflicting things. If you would ask me how I am the best I could muster up would be a resounding “I don’t know”

And I’m pissed. Because I know exactly what this means.  My stability is gone.  And lets be real, its been gone for a week. I’ve had brain fog and the inability to concentrate.  A couple days I wanted to randomly burst into tears.  Some days I don’t want to do anything, other days I want to do everything.  Some days I have all the confidence in the world, others I want to hide under a rock.

You get the picture.

Like always, though, its quiet. The medication make it gentle.  (OK, gentle is the wrong word.  Subtle? Non-violent? Easier to hide?) You would only know if I told you or if you happened to catch me when I thought no one was looking. I can still function, quite well actually. It doesn’t make it any better though.

I just want this to stop.

 

 

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