“If and when things get bad again, you’ll know what to do.”
If and when.
That’s what my therapist said when I described that continual state of fear that I’ll wake up one morning and be sick again.
If and when.
That means I’m right, that things will get bad at some point. I don’t know when. It’s really hard for me to stay positive and proactive when I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out. I know I should be grateful that I’m OK now and take advantage of it, but I can’t.
She also pointed out that I’m angry about the whole bipolar thing, and that isn’t helping my case. She’s right.
How do you stay positive when you know you could very well be walking into a storm?
“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.
An you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.
And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” – Haruki Murakami