Non-compliance

I’m smart.  I follow directions like a good little girl.  I’m so on top of things sometimes its annoying.  I’m early to everything. I take my pills and I go to therapy.  In general, I’m what you’d call “compliant”.

Except those days when I don’t want to take my meds.  Like today. It’s not me being petulant. It’s not me being stubborn.  It’s like my brain turns on me and puts the breaks on anything and everything I’m doing to help myself.

Part of my problem is psychosis.  Simply put, my brain makes shit up, and it starts a chain reaction.  I think things like the medicine isn’t helping, or may even be hurting me. Things like I don’t need medicine in the first place. I start to think that the people who help me don’t really care. The logical part of my brain kicks in and starts arguing with myself. I know I should reach out for help but then I start thinking that the only reason I’m thinking these things is so that I can manipulate people. I lose perspective pretty quickly.

So I skipped my meds this morning. The noise in my head won. Sorta.  I ended up taking them later in the day after talking to my therapist.  The battle for tonight’s meds has already started.  This is how things have been for the past week and its wearing me down.

I could use a little help.

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6 Responses to Non-compliance

  1. Any particular reason you dont want to take them?

  2. ToadieOdie says:

    I go through this pretty often too if I’m honest with myself. The only reason why I keep taking my meds now is because the Topamax also prevents the vast majority of my migraines. I went from only 5 pain free days a month to roughly 1 migraine a month on this med. That’s a huge incentive for me. So when these kinds of thoughts come for me I just tell myself it’s about being pain free and that’s what wins the day.

    I realize that migraines not be the case for you, but maybe if you could come up with some line of logic – anything – to hold on to when these thoughts come that will keep you on the meds maybe that will help you? Something super important to you that will serve as a mantra against those thoughts. Pretty sure it’s a mindfulness trick, but I could be wrong.

    • Nicole says:

      What gets me to take my meds now is my job. I *have* to be there and coherent right now. After this week my schedule changes and I have a lot less responsibility the next few months. Not sure how that is going to go over.

      • ToadieOdie says:

        I can see how that will become an increased challenge then. What happens when you stop taking your meds? Do you become severe enough to need hospitalization? Even if you don’t become that severe, surely it will affect your job performance regardless of the level of your responsibility there. What will be the ramifications on your job then? You still need to be coherent for the job if you want them to rely on you.

      • Nicole says:

        I honestly have no idea what happens when I stop taking them. I’ve never done it. I’ve gotten really close.

      • ToadieOdie says:

        Well that’s good. I still stand by my statement that you need to remain coherent for work even though your responsibilities may be lightened.

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