I’m smart. I follow directions like a good little girl. I’m so on top of things sometimes its annoying. I’m early to everything. I take my pills and I go to therapy. In general, I’m what you’d call “compliant”.
Except those days when I don’t want to take my meds. Like today. It’s not me being petulant. It’s not me being stubborn. It’s like my brain turns on me and puts the breaks on anything and everything I’m doing to help myself.
Part of my problem is psychosis. Simply put, my brain makes shit up, and it starts a chain reaction. I think things like the medicine isn’t helping, or may even be hurting me. Things like I don’t need medicine in the first place. I start to think that the people who help me don’t really care. The logical part of my brain kicks in and starts arguing with myself. I know I should reach out for help but then I start thinking that the only reason I’m thinking these things is so that I can manipulate people. I lose perspective pretty quickly.
So I skipped my meds this morning. The noise in my head won. Sorta. I ended up taking them later in the day after talking to my therapist. The battle for tonight’s meds has already started. This is how things have been for the past week and its wearing me down.
I could use a little help.