I know I’ve written about relationships in relation to bipolar before. This isn’t one of those times.
I do the whole online dating things. I have for years. I’ve met some good guys. So why am I still single? I tend to let it die after a couple dates or conversations. And I’m embarrassed to say I just kinda stop responding to the guy. Yes, I’m that person. I’m not proud of it, but that is what I do. I know its bad and mean, you don’t have to throw things at me.
I was talking to my therapist about it last week (because for once we didn’t have anything else to talk about). I told her that I just let it stop, and if I’m being honest its because the whole thing just seems like too much work. I sometimes bring out some bullshit about how I don’t know if someone will accept me and blah, blah, blah. But really, I know that if someone can’t deal with me, they aren’t worth my time. It just seems like too much work to get to that point. Essentially, I just don’t want to invest the time and energy a relationship takes.
So she said something that stuck with me. Some people would rather stay single, they might want company, but not necessarily a relationship. She didn’t say I fell into that category, but she didn’t deny it either. She also said she’s not trying to force me to do something I don’t want to do. I’m not talking about staying single so you can bounce from guy to guy and go out on lots of dates and whatnot. I’m talking about not trying to be in a relationship because you simply don’t want to. Is that me?
What I do know is that I want a relationship in part because I’m 28 and that’s what you do. I’m an independent person and have gotten used to being on my own. I don’t really see how another person could factor into my life. Sometimes I get the feeling that I might want kids, but that requires a relationship (in my world anyways). I don’t even want to have a wedding anymore.
All signs point to me wanting to be single. There is still that twinge of jealousy when I see people my age in solid relationships, mostly because I feel like I’m doing something wrong that I’m not in one.
I still have my online dating profile, and I keep messaging guys. Hoping that I won’t blow this one off like all the others. I don’t want to be that person.