Being in recovery doesn’t mean I get to feel good all the time. Sometimes all the symptoms still get together and have a party in my head.
It means I am able to go “I feel like shit” and then move that shit to the side so I can function. It doesn’t go away; it doesn’t tone down. I have to acknowledge it and shove it away as far as I can in order to get myself through the day.
It means knowing the reason I don’t want to take my meds is just to hurt myself, and then spending an hour and a half talking myself into taking them.
It means that I can see a mood shift coming, or at least watch it happen, and then sometimes be able to do something about it.
It means my head still makes shit up. I’m just able to eventually recognize whatever it is as not true. But it doesn’t go away.
That’s what recovery is. Knowing how to handle your crazy so it doesn’t blow up into an ugly, violent mess. It doesn’t mean your crazy goes away.