I think I’m shooting myself in the foot. Metaphorically, of course.
I have made huge strides in managing this illness. I know what kind of schedule I need to be on. I take my meds (under protest sometimes, but I take them). I advocate for myself when something doesn’t feel right. I talk about things with my parents. I’m even starting feel confident in not being secretive that I have this nonsense. By all accounts I’m doing pretty well.
So what’s the problem?
I assume people will reject me because I have bipolar, even if they don’t know I have it. I’ve knocked myself down a few pegs from the acceptable normal. I’m convinced that bipolar makes me fundamentally flawed and therefor relationships are out of the question for me. I’m convinced that people will see me as socially unacceptable or frightening because that is the (incorrect) assumption you see far too often.
After coming across an article and doing some quick googling, I figured out that there is a word for that.
Now I’m not saying there aren’t some
idiots misguided people out there who would fall into that thinking. I’ve seen some of my friends take a step back because knowledge of my illness makes them uncomfortable. So I guess some of my fear is rooted in reality.
But there has to be people out there who my illness doesn’t frighten. I just have to find them, and I can’t find them as long as I believe relationships are off limits to me.
I have to break this idea, somehow.