Rehashing the past

I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but every now and then something happens that makes me rehash my past.

This time its the fact that I’m going to see my PCP on Monday. Last time I saw him was 5 years ago (I know, I know…..).  5 years ago I didn’t know I had bipolar disorder.  Hell, I wasn’t even sure I was depressed.

As I was filling out the paper work and writing in things like “Bipolar disorder with psychotic features” and the list of medications I’m on, I wondered how I would succinctly describe my situation to the doctor that knows the rest of my family but not me.

I could say this: “I’ve had bipolar disorder since I was 13 and we think I rapid cycle.  I’ve never experienced full blown mania, but definitely hypomania. I was also delusional and experienced auditory hallucinations. I’ve gone through approximately 15-17 medication combinations until we found something that might work, but now the insurance doesn’t want to pay for it.  I also self-injure..I have since I was 13. I see a therapist regularly and I want a new psychiatrist.”

And then the big “I wonder’s” and “what if’s” kick in.  I wonder if I would have stuck with teaching if my bipolar hadn’t started to spiral out of control.  I wonder if I would have found a relationship by now if we learned how to control this earlier. I wonder if my relationship with my parents would have been better.  I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t had to spend so much energy just trying to stay alive and get the noise in my head to shut the hell up.

What if I had pushed 5 years ago the last time I was at the doctors and thought something wasn’t right.  What if I wouldn’t have talked myself out of therapy when I 13. The hardest thing is seeing the symptoms so clearly now.

I’ve fought this battle by myself and there is no pride in that.

So yeah.  All this because I had to fill out the paperwork for a doctor’s visit.

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2 Responses to Rehashing the past

  1. All I do is rehash. It’s like my favorite hobby. (Sarcasm) Hope the appt goes well, there’s nothing to lose by being 100% honest. Paint the picture for them, be your own advocate and most of all HANG IN THERE!

  2. Kristine Haig says:

    Totally understandable. Hope those wonderings will not dig their heels in too badly, and will let themselves be told to move on.

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