The good things.

Last Tuesday when I was firmly planted in the black hole of depression, my therapist asked me, “Do you write about the good days?”

Of course I do. Sorta. Not really.

I think I’ve turned into a pessimist who like to pretend to be an optimist.  Being positive requires a fight on my end.  After my diagnosis, my dreams shrunk to almost being nonexistent.  I don’t get excited about things, not because I can’t, but because I don’t dare get my hopes up. Despite the fact that I push through everything, I still have an “I can’t” mindset.

There is a tiredness at the root of all of this. The kind that breeds all of that “I can’t” thinking. Some of it’s legit, such as I can’t stay up past 11 and not regret it the next day. I’ve tried. Some of it is out of my control and the result of depression.

A lot of it, though, I think is just my brain trying to get me to wave the white flag and surrender.  Often it seems like a good idea, but I keep saying no.  It’s not always a loud no, sometimes its just a teeny, tiny sign. Sometimes its a no out of frustration.  Sometimes its a no because I’m fighting to get my old self back.

I knew when I was diagnosed I would have to fight to keep going.  I did not know that I would have to fight to keep my hopes and dreams.  I didn’t know how much I was going to let myself give up. I had no idea how much fear would come with this–how much “I can’t”

I was always the girl with big dreams.  I let that slip away and then let it consume me. So I stopped writing about the good days.

I’ve always balked at gratitude lists and the like…they always seemed stupid. But maybe I need to do my own version..one where I start writing down the good things that happen, and my dreams. I need something to help me say no. Something that doesn’t sound like “This is awesome but…..)

So here we go.

  1. I was accepted to present a poster session at a huge conference for my field.
  2. I get to play my flute at a church this morning (something I really miss) AND I’m getting paid for it.
  3. I have plans with friends for the 4th of July.
  4. The next major event (the biggest I’ve ever been directly involved with) at work  was my idea, I wrote the grant to make it happen, and I’m planning all of the activities.

See.  I can talk about the happy things.

 

 

 

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One Response to The good things.

  1. “I don’t get excited about things not because I can’t, but because I don’t dare get my hopes up.” YESSSSSSSS. Thank you so much for putting this into words. It’s spot on.

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