Sometimes what makes me feel better surprises me.
Last night wasn’t necessarily a struggle, but there were things weighing heavily on me. In other words I was wallowing in self pity. Then someone asked me what I was doing this week for self-care. I wanted to say nothing. I wanted to say that I felt like crap and any stupid “self-care” thing people always talk about wasn’t going to help me. (Side note: I’m therapist-less for the immediate future (long story) and any disruption in my routine or expectations has always put me in a funk.)
Then I remembered something. Ever since we discovered this last med change is helping me, Sara keeps telling me that it’s OK to be OK. Meanwhile I’m thinking, “Why do you keep saying this, are you implying that I don’t want to be OK? Why would I shoot myself in the foot?!?!?” What I actually say is “I know.”
As soon as I thought that though, the weight lifted. Sara is right. She always is, that’s why I pay her. What that really means is that I’m feeling like crap out of habit–that I feel like crap because I think I am supposed to feel that way. Maybe not all the time because there are definitely moments when I straight up struggle.
It’s giving myself permission to feel better. It’s someone else giving me permission to feel better. I know that sounds ridiculous, but for me that’s what I need to hear.
So this week, self care doesn’t look like eating or sleeping or exercising or crocheting. It means that I remember that its OK to be OK.