Impulsive

If you don’t want to read my ramblings, at least scroll down to the bottom of the post.  There is a quote there that describes life better than any words I could ever find. For me, it describes Bipolar.  But I think anyone who has gone through something difficult can relate to it.  Please read it.

I always thought of myself as a rational person who carefully calculates what she does before she does it. And I am, except for when I’m not.

Sometimes I’ll do or say things without thinking. I remember one time in high school I told off the adult that was supervising one of our extracurricular activities because he did something that wasn’t actually wrong. I don’t even remember what it was.  Me.  The girl who feels bad when I have to tell someone no. Looking back, I would’ve kicked myself out if I were in charge.

And there are others.  I usually say something I shouldn’t have. I remember the feeling afterward..the straight up embarrassment that I did what I did. Lots of impulsive decisions to overshare. And lets be real, I still overshare. All the time. I’ll send a text, or an e-mail, or note, or say something because it seems like the biggest, most powerful thing ever or the end of the world. In the midst of a mood swing, your living in a storm and the world often seems like it’s ending.

Later, sometimes 10 minutes, sometimes the next day I come to my senses. Shit.  Shouldn’t have done that. At least I’m starting to recognize it.  Before I had no idea. No wonder I lost friends in high school, college, and after.  Who wants to put up with that?

Recognizing these things used to make me hate Bipolar and mourn the things I’ve lost because of it. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate it, but I’m starting to let go of the self pity. I’m starting to see just how hard I’ve fought over the years to simply keep moving forward.  There’s explanations behind my actions.  Explanations, not excuses.  There’s a difference.

I’m sorry for the oversharing.  I’ve lost a lot because of it. I’m learning. I will always be learning.

There’s a quote I’m reminded of…I found it years ago and always liked it.  Now its more relevant than ever before.

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

An you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

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