It’s 5:53AM and there is a boy in my apartment. The one I’m kinda sorta dating.  Don’t worry, I told him he could be here.

(Backstory: He came up to visit me, but lives two hours away, so I told him he could sleep on my couch. And trust me, he slept on the couch.)

It wasn’t an impulsive decision, and the only reason I say that is because this is so out of character for me. It was part feeling bad that he had to drive so far, part I think/thought I liked him, and large part fascination that this guy was still interested in me in spite of the fact that I’m quiet and have kept him at arms length for a large part of this.

Now I realize that there was another large part of this.  I want to feel normal.  I want to have people around me. I want to sit and watch a movie with a guy.  I want to do things that normal people do.

I know I’m not normal, and frankly never will be, not with Bipolar hanging over my head anyways. But that doesn’t mean I don’t crave normalcy.

Don’t ask me how I feel about the boy, because I don’t know. It’s too easy for me to go through the motions now that anxiety isn’t kicking my butt anymore. I need time to think and I’m glad he lives so far away, because that means I have time to sort myself out.

But I think I just want to prove to myself that some part of my life can be normal–that I can feel normal things without having to figure out if Bipolar is screwing with me or not.

I’m not sure that’s possible.



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One Response to Boys

  1. ashythegem says:

    Hmmm well from this, you can definitely conclude you have a heart and a mind that is most considerate of others needs. And that’s beautiful in its own rite. The world needs more caring souls like you! So perhaps, you are normal. And the world just needs to be more like you, my dear. ❤ I think you're wonderful the way you are.

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