Life Goals

I was texting that guy I’m kinda sorta dating last night. He asked me what was on my bucket list.

I paused. I don’t have a bucket list.

I didn’t want to make something up for the sake of having an answer. And I also knew I couldn’t say “I’ve been a little busy trying to stay alive these past three years, haven’t thought about it” or “My goal is to get out of the house more and not have a panic attack at work” So I settled for this: I don’t really have one

He suggested I start one. I can’t tell you how foreign it feels to me to have goals that are actually fun.  Doing anything out of the ordinary has sent me into a panic and downward spiral for years.  I haven’t even been able to spend a night at a friends house without losing my shit.

I decided a while ago I wasn’t going to hide this bipolar and anxiety crap from him.  I’m not at the point of going “Oh hey, by the way….”  But I’ll answer questions honestly.

So I told him that maybe I will.  That I haven’t had time to think about it in years.

The whole thing made me realize that yes, I am capable of having goals that are not work related.  I am in control of how entertaining my life is. This is a choice.

Now I know some of you are going “But depression isn’t a choice, Bipolar isn’t a choice, sometimes you just can’t”

I know that. I know that all too well. I know what it is to not even be able to move let alone make a choice to do something.

But right now, in this moment, I do have a choice. I’m in a place where I can decide that I’m going to enjoy myself and I’m going to make the best of my wonky work schedule. I have to be mindful of my limits, but I can chose to make my life enjoyable.

So I’m going to make a list.

Maybe this guy is better for me than I thought……

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3 Responses to Life Goals

  1. ollypopnora says:

    Have you thought about doing the 101 in 1001? Your goals can be as big or as small as you need them to be xx

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