I was texting that guy I’m kinda sorta dating last night. He asked me what was on my bucket list.
I paused. I don’t have a bucket list.
I didn’t want to make something up for the sake of having an answer. And I also knew I couldn’t say “I’ve been a little busy trying to stay alive these past three years, haven’t thought about it” or “My goal is to get out of the house more and not have a panic attack at work” So I settled for this: I don’t really have one
He suggested I start one. I can’t tell you how foreign it feels to me to have goals that are actually fun. Doing anything out of the ordinary has sent me into a panic and downward spiral for years. I haven’t even been able to spend a night at a friends house without losing my shit.
I decided a while ago I wasn’t going to hide this bipolar and anxiety crap from him. I’m not at the point of going “Oh hey, by the way….” But I’ll answer questions honestly.
So I told him that maybe I will. That I haven’t had time to think about it in years.
The whole thing made me realize that yes, I am capable of having goals that are not work related. I am in control of how entertaining my life is. This is a choice.
Now I know some of you are going “But depression isn’t a choice, Bipolar isn’t a choice, sometimes you just can’t”
I know that. I know that all too well. I know what it is to not even be able to move let alone make a choice to do something.
But right now, in this moment, I do have a choice. I’m in a place where I can decide that I’m going to enjoy myself and I’m going to make the best of my wonky work schedule. I have to be mindful of my limits, but I can chose to make my life enjoyable.
So I’m going to make a list.
Maybe this guy is better for me than I thought……