When things aren’t OK anymore.

Heads up: I talk about suicide in this post because its my reality right now.  

Not so long ago, I thought I was approaching stability.

Heh. Funny.

I’m not even sure what happened.  Everything kinda exploded in my face.  I was fine, I swear. It’s fuzzy now. I don’t remember the shift anymore. I went from fine to depressed to outright suicidal.

Suicidal. With a plan and everything. Sara got me to get rid of the how, and she talked me into meeting with a different therapist while she’s out for a surgery  next week. She’s worried–I’ve got all the red flags. I’ve never been this close before. I’ve had several moments this past week where I seriously considered whether or not I needed to go to the hospital.

But here’s the kicker, my head is telling me I’m fine.  The only reason I know I’m not is because I trust Sara. I also objectively know I can’t concentrate and my words are muddled when I try to talk and/or remember things. But other than that….I can’t gauge where I’m at. At all. It’s like my mind is numb.

It’s scary being in this place. It’s also hard being in this place and carrying on at work like nothing is wrong.

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3 Responses to When things aren’t OK anymore.

  1. The really dangerous part about depression is that it feels like things were never actually better, and it feels like they will never be better again.


    Be smart about whether or not you’re safe alone. I should have checked in somewhere this fall. Better to be safe than to put everyone you know through hell (because they won’t be better off without you, and if you’ve thought that then please know that’s a lie too).

    Please email me if you want to chat further. Seriously. hazelhillboro@gmail.com.

    Please be safe.

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