Stability

I’ve been holding my breath for the last month, but I think I can finally say this.

I’m okay.  And by okay I mean stable.

I was going to say I forgot what this felt like, but looking back, I’m not sure I ever really knew in the first place.  I’ve been living with bipolar since I was at least 13, and I’m 28 now. I would hazard a guess that I’ve been living with elements of it even longer.

I still have all the same emotions and thoughts and feelings in me that has caused havoc, but its more balanced. I have control and its not at the expense of my life anymore.

Here’s the thing though, I still have moments where I think I don’t need my meds, or when anxiety gets the better of me. Change still throws me, sometimes in ways I couldn’t easily recover from if I didn’t have a therapist. I get incredibly frustrated that I have to sleep a solid 10 hours a night or I’m dead tired the next day. If I spend more than a few hours by myself without interaction with other people, my head gets bored and the thoughts still spiral out of control.

All of those things are hard to admit when you are “doing better”. It’s like saying your over a cold but you are still coughing and sneezing and can only breathe out of one nostril.

But I am doing better.  Sara makes sure to tell me every time I see her.

For me, stable means the extremes are gone and the stress is less. I can have periods of time where I can focus more on what I’m doing than what is going on in my head.

And right now, that has to be enough.

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