One of the (many) hard things about this whole learning to manage Bipolar Disorder thing is that the majority of the “aha” moments make you feel like shit.
Case in Point–> Me vs. relationships.
Ever since I was in 8th grade, which we have identified as the onset of my Bipolar, I’ve been spectacularly bad at relationships, in any way, shape or form. I turned 13 and my friends started dropping like flies.
From that time on, I knew something wasn’t right in my head, and I knew that I was hurting, but had no idea how that was playing out in my interactions with other people. A few years ago I started to catch on that I was difficult to deal with sometimes, but hadn’t really made the connection to failed relationships.
Tonight, I was poking around on the internet and found this— an article about how bipolar can make friendships difficult. The more I read, the more my heart sank.
Shit. I’m that person. I’ve been that person for over half my life and I had no idea.
No one ever wrote me a five page letter telling me why they suddenly dropped out of my life, but I could list probably a dozen or so friends that simply vanished from my life and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why. Today, I can count my friends on one hand and have fingers left over.
And… it just hurts. A lot. I never wanted to be that person. It makes me want to apologize and hide under a rock and not try to be friends with anyone. It makes me want to pull back from the friendships I do have because I don’t want to hurt anyone. In my world, being sick isn’t an excuse to treat people like that.
Can I be done with discovering how Bipolar has screwed with my life? I don’t think there is anything left that it hasn’t touched.