One thing that I have been told over and over again, is how impressive it is that I’ve been able to accomplish what I have all the while having some crazy-ass things going on in my head.
The whole time I’ve been like, “yeah sure, whatever.”
Once Sara and I established what is actually going on, and just how much of the stuff in my head is, well, not real, she just looked at me.
“I am truly amazed that you have accomplished so much. I can’t wait to see what you can do once we get this under control. Seriously. Imagine what you can do when you don’t have to spend so much time fighting yourself.”
Today, I had to convert my resume into a CV, which, aside from being a pain in the ass, really made me reflect on the past two years and just how tortuous they were for me. Almost all of my memories of grad school are infused with fear and panic and uncertainty. Most of the time I thought everyone hated me and my work was no good. I was incapable of making friends in my department, and my last two semesters were full of missed deadlines and spotty attendance. I fought every single damn day because there was an itty bitty teeny tiny part of me that was stubborn enough to override the crap in my head.
Sometimes I feel like I missed out on a lot because things were so hard. Sometimes I wonder if I blew it.
And then I remembered why I creating CV.
I was recommended for a teaching position. By my professors. At my grad school, which is a major research university, with only having a Masters degree and no intention of a PhD.
Sara’s right. Once we get this shit under control, who knows what I’ll be able to do.