Shit just got real.

I didn’t want to share this.  I wanted to stick my head in the sand and pretend its not a thing.  But then I realized something.  If I share this, maybe, just maybe, it will make it a little less isolating for someone else.  Even though it feels like it, I can’t be the only one to go through this.

Shit just got real.

Literally.

Friday night the metaphorical bomb was dropped. I was sitting in the psychiatrist’s office and was asked for the 23425 time if I experienced delusions.

“No, I don’t.”  It’s only people who can’t get their act together that have those, right?

Wrong.

Near the end of my appointment, I remember something Sara wanted me to tell the Psych.

“Oh yeah, something Sara wanted me to tell you again.  A lot of the time I think I’m making this up.”

“That’s what I’m talking about when I talk about delusions,” she replied.

Oh. Oh. Shit.

I’ve thought I was making crap way back in 1999.

Cue med change #20345.

There have been very few things in my life that I can outright not handle, where its so big I can’t even let myself think about it.  This was one of them. Hence why I spent a good 7 hours or so yesterday knitting.  I wish I was kidding.  But I’m not.

As the freakout subsided, I googled bipolar and delusions and psychotic symptoms, and then did a quick inventory of my memories, going back to around middle school.

Holy shit.

Everything fit neatly so neatly into categories.  Hypomania, mild mania, “regular” depressive thoughts, times when I think I can do anything, thoughts where I know I’m making shit up. Thoughts where I don’t know I’m making shit up.

I’ve always chalked it up to depression or anxiety or….I don’t even know what, because it clearly doesn’t fit in those categories.

So many things have flown through my head as I try to process this.

Why? What does this mean to me?  How much of what I’ve done and thought is me and how much do I blame on bipolar?  Can I blame it on bipolar?  How may people are running around remembering me as the weird girl? I want to tell my parents, I need to tell my parents.  But how do you tell your parents your crazy? How many friends have I lost because of this? For the first time I’m actually scared to have kids one day.  I know what can happen.  How bad is this going to get?  What else is going on that I don’t know about?

You get the picture.  I’m terrified. I’m still holding much of it at bay.  I’ve had two distinct moments in the past month alone where I almost lost the voice of reason that challenges the part of me that makes shit up.

So just so I don’t forget who I am ….

I am a young woman, a few years shy of 30, who loves dogs and art and history and music and helping people.  I went through high school, undergrad, and graduate school with ease and have earned a reputation for being a hard worker and passionate about what I do. I’m a teacher and a leader and I find purpose in providing a place for people to be.

I am not my illness.

quote

 

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Shit just got real.

  1. Wayne Holmes says:

    “I am not my illness.” That is such a critical thing to be mindful of. Also, “I am not my job,” “I am not my failures,” and “I am not my weaknesses.”

    Too often I identify who I am in accordance with one or more of the above things.

    Thank you for sharing this.

  2. You may have an illness, but you’re not crazy. I too have had delusions, often when manic I have delusions of grandeur, I think I’m the smartest person in the room, that I have the most brilliant ideas, why hasn’t anyone ever thought of this? And so on. And I can project my fears on other people and think that THEY’RE thinking something about me, and it’s really just me and my fear. Fortunately with good friends I can check it out and say “This is probably just me, but do you think…?” I know you will be ok. Please be kind to yourself through this tough time. ❤

  3. Becky Bee says:

    I am so glad you reached out and posted this. Glad, and impressed. These are so many thoughts I have had, experiences I have been through. You’re not alone. I’m not alone.

    Thank you.

  4. “I am a young woman, a few years shy of 30, who loves dogs and art and history and music and helping people. I went through high school, undergrad, and graduate school with ease and have earned a reputation for being a hard worker and passionate about what I do. I’m a teacher and a leader and I find purpose in providing a place for people to be.”

    I am not joking – this could literally be written as a bio about me.
    I wish we were real-life friends.

    I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but know that when you feel really, really alone – there are those of us out here in cyberspace who at least a little bit understand. Maybe we can get through this together? Maybe?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s