Never say never.

Last night I did something I never really thought I would do.

Yesterday was a bad day. And for me, bad days are days where literally every two hours my mood changes.  It’s exhausting and unsettling, and I spend roughly 50% of the day trying (and usually failing) to function and the other 50% playing catch up so I don’t fall behind.

Thankfully, I also had therapy last night. My therapist (I’ll say her name is Sara) is a gem.  She’s honest, can read me like a book, and knows when  and when not to push me. She can suggest things and all I have to do is look at her and she knows when I think she’s nuts.  Best part is she gets my sense of humor. It’s not uncommon that we spend roughly 80% of a session laughing.

That was last night. Normally laughing helps.  This time it didn’t. I was frustrated beyond belief.  The last two weeks have been the roller coaster from hell. Right now we are basically at a stand still until we can work out some more of this medicine crap.  We have worked through a lot of shit.  We have worked through so much shit that we are running out of shit to work through. Seriously. I’m still a mess, but its a result of the mood swings, not because I have unresolved issues.  The biggest issue I have right now is the frustration of bipolar.

I’m frustrated because I can’t fix it.  I’m frustrated because I can’t fit anything I’m experiencing into a box.  I’m frustrated because absolutely nothing I experience is consistent.  I’m constantly having different experiences, and it seems every week I have to find a new way to cope with my brain. Every week I have to start all over convincing myself that this is real. It gives me a whole new appreciation of the saying “It’s like nailing Jello to a wall.” I can’t win.

Last night, for the first time since August when I started seeing Sara, I left therapy still frustrated–despite laughing almost the whole time. I wasn’t feeling any better than when I walked in.

I sat on the floor, hugging my knees, completely and totally stuck in my head. I wanted a hug.  I wanted someone to tell me that yes, this really does suck.  I wanted answers. I was all kinds of not OK.

I remember seeing on the internet somewhere a crisis text line.

I don’t need to do that.  I don’t feel suicidal, surprisingly. I’m not in a crisis.

I sat there some more. I started to have a panic attack.

It’s just a panic attack.  Nothing new.  I’m not in a crisis.

I sat there a little longer.

I’m confused.  I don’t understand any of this.

I started questioning what was real.

Then I realized, if I didn’t do something I would be in a crisis.  I know myself.  I would have laid awake in bed miserable, and my mind would have spiraled into every negative direction it could think of.  And then I would be terrified.

Maybe I can stop this.

So I sent the text.

Best use of 20 minutes in my life. Here’s the website:

Use it.

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3 Responses to Never say never.

  1. Hmmm…I’ve always been skeptical/nervous about this, so I’m really glad to hear from someone who’s used it that it’s beneficial. Maybe I will try it next time. I hate to assume there’s a “next time,” but if were being realistic, I can’t deny that reality. 😦

  2. Also, I hope you’re feeling better today! *cyber hug*

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