A Million Little Choices

In the middle of the night, I realized that I have make a million little decisions during the day in order for me function the way I want to. Everything must be a conscious choice, from when I eat lunch to whom I around and what conversations I have. I have to carefully monitor the waves of my mood and emotions so I can stay on top of it and plan my work accordingly. All this on top of carefully policing my thoughts. I let down my guard, and things will go south quickly.  Sometimes they go south anyways, but that’s besides the point.

When I look back at those million little choices, and the internal dialogue that surrounds them, that is actually what tells me how I’m doing–that is what tells me if I’m OK or not.  Because how I feel is so often disconnected from my actions, or, alternatively, my actions feel disconnected from myself, I can’t always rely on my functionality as an accurate representation of my well-being.

Does your brain hurt yet? ‘Cause mine does. These mental gymnastics are, quite frankly, a pain in my ass.

Anyhow, that brings me to the point of this post. When I realized this morning that I have to make all of those million little choices, I decided to do a running record of sorts on myself.  I backed up and included last night and ran it through the end of work today.  It was….enlightening? It showed me those million little choices and the thoughts surrounding them.  And even though my coworkers never would have guessed it was a bad day for me–I laughed, I talked, I participated, I completed tasks– it was a bad day. Not the worst day ever, but it definitely wasn’t a good one.

But when all is said and done, this was a beneficial thing to do, and the weight at the end of the day wasn’t quite as bad as it could have been.

I was going to put up that running record, but lets be real, no one wants to read that. don’t want to read it.

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