So what is this?

This is what goes through my head.  This is the struggle I feel I can never make people understand.  This is what makes me want to walk away from everything I’ve done in the past year.

Someone commented on my post yesterday to not give up.  This is what immediately flew through my head.

I’m not giving up.  There’s nothing to give up on because there is nothing wrong.  I’m fine, I’ve always been fine. Everything that has happened is because I’ve overreacted and wanted attention.  It’s embarrassing and I’m done with it. 

I want to stop taking my medication.  I don’t want to call my therapist and psychiatrist back to make an appointment.  Because I’m fine.  There isn’t anything wrong.  There has never been anything wrong.

I feel all these things to by core, and if you held the metaphorical gun to my head I’d would say that all these things were true.

But at the same time, the part of me that stands back from everything emotional is standing there with a giant red flag shouting “Don’t listen!  Pretend it all doesn’t exist! Carry on with a smile and everything is fine!”

Because my actions don’t reflect my thoughts, I’m fine.  Because I do the responsible thing even though my mind is yelling at me to do otherwise, I’m fine.  If I give into my mind because I’m tired of fighting, it was a choice.

All this boils down to mean this: I am exhausted.  I’m lonely. I’m sad.  I’m stressed out.  I think scary things. I think I’m a liar 50% of the time.

But I’m not sick.

Because I can drag my sorry ass out of bed and into work, because I am overly self aware, because I can usually stop myself before making bad decisions….

I’m not sick.

And right now I believe that.  I’m am totally and 100% convinced that this whole mental illness thing is a load of crap.

And yet there’s that little guy in the corner waiving the giant red flag. And I’m left not knowing which way is up.

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2 Responses to So what is this?

  1. Okay, this is SO ME. I do this all the time. And then it turns out that mental illness is actually real, and that always sucks.

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