Out of all the crazy-ass symptoms I have to put up with, this mental block-esq thing is one of the most frustrating.
After three weeks of almost constant anxiety and panic to the point I didn’t want to leave my apartment and couldn’t eat, which then quickly morphed into pretty significant depression…my mind puts up this mental block.
And as far as my brain is concerned, the bipolar and anxiety and depression does not exist and I launch into super-productive me.
Sounds like a good thing, right?
Not so much.
Think of it this way. Take the monster that lived under your bed as a child and give it some gnarly teeth and starve it for a week so that its super cranky. I’ll call him Joe. After three weeks of openly torturing you, Joe slinks off to that dark, sketchy corner of your closet where socks go to die. You know he’s there. But you can’t find him. You can hear him clawing at the closet door, and sometimes even think you can feel him breathe down your neck. But you can’t see him. You forget what he looks like. You forget his name is Joe.
But you can hear him. Every. Damn. Night.
You try and tell your mom about Joe, but the words don’t come anymore and the big scary monster Joe ends up sounding like you are complaining about the discomfort from a leaky window.
You become restless and unsettled from the now-ambiguous Joe hiding in your closet, and in the quiet moments you want to claw your brain out of your skull because it is so uncomfortable. You keep busy. Really busy. You push anything Joe related to the far recesses of your mind. You distance yourself from any and all thoughts of Joe.
But you still hear him. Every. Damn. Night.
My brain feels like its being pulled in two very different directions. It splits between the part of me that hurts like hell from the depression and anxiety and all that awful stuff, and the part of me that thinks I’m OK or making stuff up or simply does not / cannot deal with it anymore.
Pretty sure the fancy word for this is dissociation. But just coming out and saying that wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining as talking about Joe, would it?