…..I find out I was misdiagnosed all along.
When I was put on a mood stabilizer a month ago I was a little surprised. It was such different direction than anyone had have suggested that I actually questioned whether or not I accurately relayed my symptoms to the psychiatrist. I told my therapist, she got one of those inquisitive looks on her face and said that it made sense. Within a week I suddenly snapped out of the depressive state I was in.
Fast forward about a month, and my mood shifted again while I watched myself fall back into a depressive state. As I described this change to my therapist she looked at me and said, “That sounds like bipolar,” in passing..as though maybe I had this one weird symptom that fit under that label, but that wasn’t really what was wrong (or so I thought. In reality she just didn’t want to freak me out).
So me, being the person I am, spent that evening googling bipolar disorder. Then I started researching Bipolar II. As I read one article or blog post after another, I kept thinking that sounds like me. I read one description after another about how SSRI’s trigger hypomania and depressive states–often described as “the highs are higher, and the lows are lower.” When I was first given SSRI’s, I’m pretty sure I used that exact phrase to describe what I felt happening to me.
By the time I went to bed that night..I pretty much had it pieced together. I have Bipolar.
I asked my therapist yesterday what she would label me as, mostly because I needed to know for sure instead of playing the “what if” game in my head.
She told me I have Bipolar.
Crap. Thinking you have something is completely and totally different from actually being diagnosed with it.
Still trying to process that one. It has changed the way I view my past, who I am, and what my future might look like. Not necessarily in a bad way, it gives me answers, and I actually have a better idea of who I am vs what is my illness. I also now know why I haven’t responded well to probably 90% of the things other therapists tried with me in the past.
But it is still a lot.