After about 2 solid years of the hope being sucked right out of me and fear following me around like it was my new best friend, I’m feeling a little bit lighter.
I truly believe this happened because we landed on the right medication, because that is the only thing that has changed. For the first time in two years, I have my hope back. I have my dreams and my ambitions and plans back. I have the desire to make bad situations better, and the will to take control over my life back. I cleaned my room for the first time in about 6 months, and making my way through the laundry that has accumulated over that time. I’ve started applications for 2nd and 3rd jobs and making plans to move out of my parents house. I’ve found myself wanting to be involved with the world and fight for the things I believe in.
I can look back at what I’ve been able to do over the past 5 years, and be proud. And its not because someone is telling me I should be proud, I can see it for myself. I can see that I’ve worked hard in spite of it all and I’m confident and competent in my own way.
I’ve got that quiet determination back that got me to grad school in the first place.
I’ve got me back. And it doesn’t feel temporary this time.
And that doesn’t mean that I don’t have to sometimes give myself a pep talk to get out of bed, or that I don’t have to fight the urge to self harm. And it definitely doesn’t mean that if I get tired and worn out, I don’t have to fight death thoughts or struggle to be around people.
It does mean that I have the hope that it will pass, and the knowledge that it doesn’t define who I am or what I can do. I am grounded in the knowledge that I have hope, love, and worth, and that I am a strong person.
As long as I can remember this I will be OK.