Yesterday at work I was asked a question. This question was something I should know the answer to. It’s one of the most obvious questions in my field of study. Hell, I’ve taught on the subject I don’t even know how many times. But I couldn’t remember. I couldn’t even hazard a guess. It was like one of those wild west movies where you see tumbleweeds blowing across the desert. There wasn’t anything there. When I do remember information, I can’t remember where I got it from, and sometimes I wonder if I just made it up. I don’t trust myself.
For months, I have been complaining about my memory-that it isn’t as good as it used to be. I have trouble remembering the obvious and the brain fog is unbearable at times. I swear its a symptom that is getting worse, but its the one symptom I have a hard time convincing people that it is an issue. As it has always been, I present well. I remember schedules and I’ve never missed a therapy or psychiatrist appointment. I keep track of my meds and I never forget to take it. (Now there have been times where I’ve made the choice to not take it, but that is another story.)
But there are so many things I forget. Things I’ve read, conversations I’ve had. Lectures I’ve given. Something I’ve learned in school. Something I’ve taught in school. What tv shows are about. What jobs I’ve applied to and when I’ve last done something. When I’m supposed to bring something somewhere. My concept of time is completely shot.
I’m continually told this is normal. But it can’t be. If I haven’t done it, used it, or read it in the last 30 seconds, God help me if I have to recall it. It makes me feel stupid. I don’t trust myself. My processing is pretty bad too, which I’m sure doesn’t help the memory.
I’ll have to bring it up with the new therapist and psychiatrist, and hope that 1. they believe me and 2. something can be done.