Things I learned in partial….

  1. This was probably the most necessary thing I’ve ever done in my life.
  2. Structure
  3. Where to draw the line that tells me I should go to the hospital.
  4. Validation
  5. Put the work in and say what you need to say. It will get better.
  6. Ask for help. And keep asking until you get what you need.
  7. Safety plans are oddly comforting.
  8. Advocate for yourself.
  9. It’s ok to be nervous to go back to work.
  10. It’s not my fault.
  11. Baby steps are big steps.
  12. I still have a long way to go.
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So this happened…

Yesterday was a very, very, very bad day mental health day. Thankfully I had therapy. He took me back to his office, and in usual fashion, as soon as I said I wasn’t doing so well, he wasted no time and dove right in with the hard questions.

He took me back at 5:20. By 6:30 he had me down in the crisis center and by 7:30 I was signed up for the partial hospitalization program. Which I start this morning.

It hasn’t sunk in yet. When I got home last night it was 9pm and I had to quickly throw a bunch of stuff together for the things happening at work today since I won’t be there. I haven’t had time to think about it. I’m still very much in responsible “get shit done” mode.

The only thing I know is that I’m relieved. So very relieved. I don’t have to pretend I’ve got my act together. I didn’t think I would feel this relieved. Hopefully this will help. And hopefully I don’t get worse, because I’m pretty damn close to having to go inpatient. I don’t want to do that.

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Frustrated with the system

I am neither running down the street naked nor am I trying to throw myself off a bridge.

So I’m “fine.”

I’ve went from suicidal depression to extreme craftiness and hyperfixation, but since I was able to sell what I made…

I’m “fine.”

The past three months I’ve fallen deeper into the rabbit hole of hyper-fixation to the point things aren’t getting done. (Like I forget that I need to go buy food, or take a shower or do laundry…really anything you need to be a functional adult.) But since I don’t have that crazed look in my eyes and am still able to hold coherent, adult conversations…

I’m “fine.”

Ever since I almost landed in the hospital I have seen THREE different nurse practitioners and psychiatrists and never the same one twice in a row. Something seems so terribly wrong with that.

I am frustrated by the system, that, in order to navigate it, you must most definitely have ALL of your shit together, and be extremely self-aware. Meanwhile, the disorder you are trying to get help for, by its very definition, means you do NOT have your shit together and you are NOT self-aware.

I don’t know about y’all, but I see a problem here.

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Square peg, round hole.

This has been a crazy couple of weeks. The work disaster, possible last minute job situations where I could transfer to the same kind of job in a different situation, lots of talking to lots of people, and lots of tears.

I’ve come to a conclusion.

I’m leaving the field. It’s not because my boss yelled at me and said those things, it’s not because I don’t like what I’m doing. It’s because it’s not a good fit. I’ve spent the last two years unhappy, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, working for peanuts, and I don’t have anything to show for the last four years of my life.

I’m walking away. I know what direction I want to go, and I’ve already reached out to several people to coach me through this transition. I’ve been thinking about doing this for at least a year.

Financially it will be better. Quality of life will be better, and most of all, I think it will be better for my mental health.

I feel a tremendous sense of relief. I’ve given myself permission to change directions.

Wish me luck!

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Monday morning I almost passed out. I went to work anyways and my boss said some very hurtful things-mostly that I was a very immature and rude individual who was weak and couldn’t handle anything. At first I was upset and irritated and wanted to defend myself. I should of went home because I could barely walk but I stayed. It was camp week and I couldn’t do much more than sit in a chair and direct traffic.

I went to med express that night and the doctor said I was stressed, not eating enough, not sleeping enough, etc. that’s why I passed out. Maybe vertigo too, but that wasn’t the only reason. I got a medical excuse to cover my butt and made an appointment to see my doctor.

Wednesday I saw my doctor. He said the only thing that caused it was vertigo even though I flat out told him I wasn’t eating, and was really, really stressed. It confused me and I was upset. Mom launched into her thing about how I don’t express myself correctly and it’s essentially my fault people don’t listen to me. I had my sister pick me up from my parents house and take me home. I couldn’t drive until Friday. Mom called to apologize the next day, but I haven’t talked to her since.

And now I’m thinking my boss was right. I shouldn’t of set boundaries at work. I shouldn’t have put myself first. I’m attention seeking and lazy. The way I feel shouldn’t have impacted my work.

And I’m isolating myself. If I’m that horrible of a person I shouldn’t be around others. If I’m that attention-seeking, I should keep my distance.

I’m sad and confused and feel awful about myself. And I should. And what’s the point of trying to be different? I can’t.

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And it gets more complicated…

Yesterday morning I almost passed out. I all but lost consciousness. If my mom hadn’t been there I would have been out. Didn’t know where I was, couldn’t hear, couldn’t walk or stand. I was on the floor. Went to work and it was a disaster. Went to med express last night. They do all the normal things. Bloodwork. EKG. Blood pressure. Temperature.

Doctor comes in. Asks me a couple questions. Then asked me if I had an eating disorder. No. Are you eating? Not as much as I should probably but yes. Are you throwing up? No.

He leaves, they come in to do the EKG and other things.

He comes back in. Says a couple things. Looks me in the eye and says “you are starved” and told me that I need to see my doctor.

There are so many things running through my head. Work. What’s wrong with me. The disgust I have with where I am in life.

I see the doctor tomorrow. So we’ll see what happens.

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How I know my brain is falling apart on me. Again.

    I feel scattered.
    All I can do is talk about myself.
    I can’t remember anything.
    I’m choosing not to do things that need done.
    It’s a struggle to focus on other people.
    I turn into a complete and total slacker.
    I want to cry.
    I’m overwhelmed.
    I feel like people don’t like me/are constantly judging me. Someone can tell me that they love something I did and I still walk away thinking they hated it….and me.
    All I want to do is sleep.
    I’m angry at myself and annoyed with everyone else. I start hating myself for not living up to my expectations.
    I have weird dreams.
    I feel desperate for people that I can talk to about this shit. And I start to cross boundaries that I shouldn’t cross.
    Panic attacks come back.
    I’m constantly tired.
    I have thoughts of skipping meds.
    I want out.

I know the crash is happening because of my work schedule-the amount of days I have to work in a row, the long hours I have to work, and the stress associated with that. And there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

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I have a bad habit of not eating. Tired, exhausted, busy, happy, sad, stressed, anxious, whatever. I fell out of the habit of cooking a year ago.

I’m staring down three weeks of nonstop work where I’ll be beyond exhausted and have zero desire to do anything. Especially cook. So this time I decided to be proactive because the last thing I need is to pass out in 90 degree weather while I’m supposed to be in charge of 13 six year olds.

I spent today cooking things that I can freeze. I officially have enough food in my freezer for a good month and a half. Now I just have to remember to eat it.


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And I’m not talking on here. I mean stream of consciousness pen to paper word vomit that you don’t read until two days later and all you can think is “Holy shit! Is that really what happens in my brain?”

That’s why I’ve been sorta quiet on here; I’ve been doing that for the past three weeks in an effort to get a handle on my sanity. In a little under three weeks I’ve filled half of a Moleskine notebook. I’m 99.9% sure I’ve cycled through all possible moods in that time.

But you learn things doing that. A lot of things, and many times it is uncomfortable things. I didn’t realize how extreme and obsessive my moods were until I found myself writing 3-4 times a day, and every few days I read over the entire journal.

I better understand what my mixed moods look like, how the agitation affects my life and how often I obsess over things and actually lose time. It can range from relatively benign things (planners and pens – I know I’m a nerd) to things that are not so “safe”. The only reason the planners and pens are benign is because I can keep myself from spending money. If it weren’t for that it could be a disaster.

Journaling like this prevents my memory from glossing over the bad (or good) parts. It enables me to create a timeline to give to my therapist. And my psychiatrist, who, by the way, won’t let me go more than a month without a med check right now. I think how quickly I “recovered” from when I was suicidal a few months ago and some of the symptoms I tell them now are sending up some serious red flags. After I looked through my journal I totally agree.

Regardless, this is one of those times when the unplanned and unexpected saves my ass yet again. I will fill up 74539 notebooks if it means I can get this figured out sooner, or at least let’s me know when I need to speak up for help.

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Let’s put this simply.

I’ve been depressed for the last I don’t know how many months. A year maybe? I have no idea.

Until this week. I’m cooking. I’m cleaning. I’m socializing. All those normal human things.

But I’m also obsessing. To the point where I forget to do laundry and shower and make my best friends birthday present (whose party is tomorrow btw and I’m going to have to show up empty handed. NOT COOL. I’ll figure something out.)

I’ve always been drawn to stationary and planners and journals. I use them for a while and then I abandon them…..just the way it goes. But at some point earlier this week I happened upon the whole concept of Midori Travelers Notebooks. Since then I’ve been obsessed with them. I have spent HOURS reading and looking at YouTube videos and pictures. I’ve looked on amazon comparing brands and I swear I’ve combed through every Etsy store. Like I’ve gotten home from work, made dinner and then proceeded to spend the next 4-5 hours staring at my iPad trying to figure out what I want to buy. This is the 3rd or 4th day I’ve done this. Never mind that I don’t really need it and would most likely not actually use it. But it’s like I need to act on it RIGHT NOW.

I don’t know if it’s a big deal or not, but it feels HUGE. I haven’t felt this obsessed with something since college or sometime around then.

But that, plus the restlessness and irritability and the anxiety that slams me if I give myself 2 seconds to breath……right now this is what my mood swings look like. Plus the negative loop in my head started earlier this week.

I keep trying to tell myself that this is normal. That everyone is like this. Or I’m over exaggerating. All because it’s not the dramatic, erratic, risky behavior you always hear about.

I wanted to stop feeling depressed because the meds were working, not because I was swinging in the other direction.

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