I stayed up late last night.
I had a friend from college over and we talked until 10:45 or so. I went straight to bed when he left, but I’m paying for the late night now. A couple things always happen when I stay up late.
- Weird/upsetting dreams. I had a dream that I started to have visual hallucinations and my old therapist was trying to help me but it wasn’t working. It was one of those dreams where you wake up feeling like you are still in the dream.
- I wake up feeling uncomfortable and exhausted and wanting to cry and wishing for a solid 24 hours where I don’t have to move. The stress is overwhelming.
- I get that feeling that everything that can go wrong today, will.
Today I have the added bonus of dreading work. I have to work a 10 hour day.
I haven’t felt like this is a while. Things are starting to pile up and weigh heavy on me. I’m not getting called back for a job that I really want. My job this time of year is really stressful. I’m having to fight with people to get my medicine because insurance doesn’t want to pay for it and the stupid patient assistance program suddenly decided that I can’t have it even though nothing has changed. Apparently they think I can afford medicine that is two thirds of my salary. It will get resolved, but not until I jump through hoops to make them happy.
On top of all this I have a sense of dread about my new therapist and psychiatrist. Never mind they have done NOTHING to give me proof that they aren’t good, but my brain keeps manufacturing stuff to make me think otherwise.
I feel like I’m starting to have extreme emotional reactions to everything again–like I’ve lost my regulation. I’m losing perspective on how I feel and at the end of the day I’m at a loss as to what mood to put down in my journal where I track everything. So I simply don’t. My anxiety is spiking. Yesterday I got stuck thinking about suicide again. I feel scared. I’m toying with the idea of skipping meds.
Something isn’t right and I’m hoping I can blame it on staying up late. I’m hoping that tomorrow, after I sleep tonight, I’ll feel better. If I don’t, I think I’m in for the long haul and I’m going to have to fight..